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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25555372">A Look to Last a Lifetime</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoseyPepper/pseuds/NoseyPepper'>NoseyPepper</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Brittana - Fandom, Glee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:33:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,031</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25555372</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoseyPepper/pseuds/NoseyPepper</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>You’ve never realized until now, at three in the morning, how gorgeous the shadows and shapes and lights that illuminate your bedroom are. They’re comforting and grounding when your mind is in such tangles; when the only way to steady the pounding of your heart is to count how many cars pass or how many oscillations your fan makes.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Brittana - Relationship, Santana Lopez/Brittany S. Pierce</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Fandoms Challenge 2021</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A Look to Last a Lifetime</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You’ve never realized until now, at three in the morning, how gorgeous the shadows and shapes and lights that illuminate your bedroom are. They’re comforting and grounding when your mind is in such tangles; when the only way to steady the pounding of your heart is to count how many cars pass or how many oscillations your fan makes. You wonder to yourself if the reason people are out this late are for the same reasons your breaths are getting stuck in your chest.<br/>
You’re not very good with knowing why you’re feeling the way you are. You don’t think it’s necessarily bad, what you’re feeling right now, though. You find yourself smiling that same pure, deep smile you smiled in the locker room. A shuddering breath accompanies it as you remember the way she caught you looking at her. You hadn’t meant to get caught, and, admittedly, you panicked. You thought about looking away and pretending that you hadn’t been staring. The way she smirked when she caught you and the smile that followed eased the storm in your mind. She didn’t look away as you smiled back. She wasn’t disgusted. There was no rejection for your being a girl. You wonder to yourself if she knew what was going on in your head. Part of you thinks she must have known, or she wouldn’t have smiled back.<br/>
Now, deep in the quiet safety of your bedroom, you’re contemplating whether letting her in that way was safe. Then, with a self-reprimanding laugh, you think to yourself, “when have I ever not been safe with her?” You sigh heavily, astonished at yourself for ever thinking she’d be anything but who she’s always been for you. Part of you hopes she didn’t see the turmoil behind your eyes; another part of you hopes that she did. It might not be such a bad thing to let her all the way in.<br/>
And, then, you’re stumped. You’re not actually sure of a time in your life that you haven’t let her all the way in. She’s been the one constant thing in your life since you met. Another shuddering breath escapes your lips and you wipe a tear from your cheek with the sleeve of your nightshirt. You aren’t so sure what the difference is between the way you’ve always let her in and the way you’re letting her in now.<br/>
You’re counting the oscillations again and you think that your mind might be spinning just as fast. You wonder if, maybe, the reason you’re so scared is because you know exactly why you were looking at her. It was such a different look than every other look you’ve shared with her. Maybe you’re afraid of the thoughts in her mind as she looked back at you. Your sleeve is soaked with tears and you have to search blindly for the box of tissues on your nightstand before they track down into the creases of your neck.<br/>
The realization hits as a car passing by throws a stream of light across your window. She’s been wanting to catch you staring. She’s been waiting to look at you the way she did. She’s been holding back because she wanted you to look at her that way in your own time. That half smirk around the mouth of her water bottle wasn’t because she caught you. It was because you finally looked at her the way she’s been feeling all the time you’ve known each other.<br/>
You stifle the laughter that almost erupts from your throat. You understand why she saves you the seat next to her on the competition bus now. It makes sense, finally, why she slides her sleeping bag as close to yours as possible at sleepovers. It dawns on you why she always was just one step away from you. She was showing you that it was safe to feel things for her. She wanted you to know that you were safe with her. She’s been telling you this entire time, with stolen glances at you sitting in the backrow of the choir room, through her dance, that she was ready.<br/>
You feel silly now, counting oscillations, when the answers you’ve been searching for have been right under your nose. The answers have existed in her mind all along. Suddenly, you feel guilty for not seeing it sooner, for not seeing the pain in her eyes that night when it was just the two of you her bedroom. A feeling grips your heart at the thought that she could still look at you the way she did even after you treated her that way. But your heart also fills with a sense of pride in her ability to keep giving you clues that you’ve been safe this entire time.<br/>
You are certain, even in the tangles of your confusion and pain and relief this early morning, that the safety you’ve been searching for all this time has been always been there. You don’t want to dwell on the pain of the uncertainties anymore. You know you’ve spent too long in those dark closets of your mind. You’ve spent a lot of time hating the thought that, one day, you could possibly love this part of yourself. You’ve spent too long without showing her that she’s safe with you, too.<br/>
You smile at this, the thought of her feeling safe with you. You’ve spent so much time wondering if you were safe that you forgot to make sure she felt safe. You hate this part of yourself that freezes. It’s a coping mechanism that’s caused a lot of pain. Your sleeve catches the tear and snot that escapes at this thought, but you’ve already decided that you’re not going to dwell on this anymore.<br/>
You felt brave and open and ready in the moment you looked at her. You wore your love for her on your sleeve. The look she gave you, the one that said, “I’ve been waiting,” made you ready for this. And, now, as you watch the shadows cast on your walls, you’re sure that the way she looked at you will be enough to last a life time.</p>
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